That Time of Year
by Thunder Explosion
Summary: A cloaked figure enters the guild one day and places a curse on all the dragon slayers, forcing them upon their true mates. Unfortunately, almost no one is happy with the outcome of their 'true mates'. Semi-parody with numerous crack pairings.
1. Chapter 1

"Hey shadow freak! Get back here now" Natsu screamed across the guild hall at one of Fairy Tail's many guests on this sunny afternoon. The guild hall was packed with mages from across the continent as Fairy Tail proceeded to brawl with several of their friends from across the land. Currently, Natsu was chasing after the shadow dragon slayer that he had fought during the Grand Magic Games. Rogue slipped into the shadows and raced around the guild's walls as Sting proceeded to kick Gajeel into Natsu.

"Sabers 1! Fairies 0!" Sting's excitement was short lived however, as a couple of ice attacks knocked him on his ass. Lyon and Gray proceeded to attack each other, though with Gray's devil slayer magic Lyon really wasn't making much progress.

Jellal and Erza, followed by the rest of the new Crime Sorciere guild, minus the two females, had entered the guild hall. Erza was getting ready to reprimand all the men in the guild, but Cobra's voice shattered her thoughts. "Now this is my kind of party! You're mine Natsu" he yelled a battle cry as he jumped in the fray.

"I forgot just how rowdy they can get" Jellal said to his comrades.

"They're all.. so loud" Midnight spoke. He began to walk over to Mira's bar and have a seat, as he sat across from the only normal looking person in the entire hall. He didn't take much notice of the cloaked man sitting next to him as he ordered a drink. Hoteye and Racer made their way over to Jura and Lyon, the latter being forcefully removed from the fight by a pissed off demon. Erza made her way to Kagura while Jellal, not really sure what to do at the moment seeing as all his guildmates left him, took a seat next to Juvia, Levy, and Lucy, who were currently discussing books they had read amidst the ruckus.

The only six left in the brawl were the five dragon slayers and Gray, who were now proceeding to tear the whole guild hall down over the bodies of random mages who dare stood in their way. Objects were sent flying everywhere as the onlookers proceeded to dodge. Midnight was using his magic to dodge all the objects effortlessly while he continued his conversation with Mirajane, but the cloaked figure next to him wasn't so lucky as a chair whacked him on the back of his head.

The slayers continued to duke it out before a voice was heard throughout the guild hall. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?"

Everyone turned to look at the man (or at least, someone with the voice of a man) in the brown cloak as he stood up.

Natsu held a confused look on his face. "Who the hell are you?"

The man paid him no mind. "You damn dragon slayers are always a nuisance no matter where you go."

"If that's the case then why don't you get the fuck out of our guild hall?" Sting asked.

"It's not even your guild hall" Gajeel screamed at him. And just like that, they were right back at it again.

"Enough! This should shut you all up for a while" he said as he cast a bright light upon the guild. The man was gone when the light ceased and a strange purple glow surrounded the seven dragon slayers.

"What the hell is this?" Rogue asked as he was shocked at the turn of events.

Laxus had now abandoned his table on the second floor and stood over the railing. "What the fuck did you guys do?"

"How the hell should I know" Sting argued to the other blonde.

Suddenly, runes appeared on all of their bodies and all of them besides Natsu and Laxus began to writhe in pain on the ground. "The hell?" Freed quickly jumped toward Laxus as he noticed the ruines on him.

"Let me inspect these" he said as he began to translate the words onto paper. Levy, realizing she could be useful in this situation, made her way over to Natsu and started to translate his ruins.

Lucy had followed Levy closely, wanting to see what the spell on him was all about. He didn't seem phased at all by whatever happened to him and the rest of the dragon slayers, although he didn't appear to be feeling the full effects of it yet.

After a while, the crowd had subsided as most of the slayers had calmed down and were now laying on the ground. Levy and Freed wet to work trying to decipher the works behinds the spell. Gajeel stood up and made his way toward the two who were working on decoding the ruines, but stopped when he saw the scene at the bar.

Midnight had resumed his conversation with Mirajane once again, until Gajeel threw an iron club at him. "Back off her will you!"

The guild buzzed again as Gajeel attempted to tear Midnight limb from limb, although failing miserably. Most of the guild was wrapped up in the fight until a shriek pierced through the guild hall. "Juvia?" Lyon questioned. Everyone, including Gajeel and Midnight stopped on a dime to look at the source of the sound.

Indeed it was Juvia. And this Juvia had Sting on one knee in front of her with a bouquet of roses professing his love for her. Seriously, where the hell did he find roses in the guild hall anyway?

Lyon was pissed. "You blonde haired bastard! She's mine!" Those two were now caught up in a brawl. "Gray my beloved, hel- EH!?"

Juvia couldn't believe her eyes. Gray was trying to escape this whole scene in front of him, only to be held back by none other than the sky dragon slayer, who had her arms wrapped around his waist.

"Levy, will you hurry up and figure the damn spell out before everyone completely loses their minds?" Meanwhile, Rogue had sniffed the air for a second before heading behind the bar and down the stairs without a sound.

"I'm working on it!" Levy had been scribbling furiously before a forlorn look drew itself across her face. "Shit."

"What's wrong Levy?" Lisanna asked.

"This isn't a spell. It's a curse. And I can't dispell a curse."

"A curse? Like what Tartarus used?" Erza now joined the conversation.

"That could prove to be problematic" Kagura thought hard about a way to reverse everything. "What do the ruines say?" Freed focused in on the words they had written down.

"To calm a dragon's wild soul, true love must first be known, though crazy it may seem at first, the one you mark will quench your thirst, lust and desire left not to fate, these ruines ensure to find your true mate."

"So it's kinda like a love spell?" Erza asked. "That's so-so-so ROMANTIC!"

Just then, Cobra, who had finally woke up proceeded to the girls and Jellal and proceeded to grope the dark haired swordswoman. Kagura instantly smacked him in the gut with her sword. "Like hell it's romantic."

"Still though, why haven't Natsu and Laxus had a reaction to it yet?" Lucy asked.

"That's a good thought. Every woman that they know is currently here at Fairy Tail" Erza said. "So it is a little puzzling."

"Well I can't speak for Laxus" Gray, who finally escaped Wendy's grasp, said to them "but do you really think flame brain is even capable of noticing a woman?"

"That is a good point" Freed agreed "but they still should've had some type of reaction."

Jellal thought for a moment. "Not quite all of them are here just yet."

"Huh?" All the mages asked, but before Jellal could explain Natsu collapsed on the ground and Laxus fell over the balcony railing. "Looks like I was right. They're finally here."

The guild doors opened to reveal the two female mages of Crime Sorciere, Angel and Merudy. "We're here" the latter shouted.

The first thing the two noticed was that the hall was trashed. Everyone was acting strange, mainly the dragon slayers. Then they noticed Laxus and Natsu crawling on the ground towards them, both clearly in pain as the spell was finally taking hold of them.

Angel finally broke the silence. "Just what the fuck is going on here?"

...

A/N: yeah, this is just something I wrote up for fun cause I had a little bit of writers block. Somewhat of a crack fic. I wrote this at 1:30 in the morning yesterday (technically today I guess) and I finally decided to post it. Anyway, hope yall enjoyed it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fairy Tail. Like not in the least bit. Just the slightly demented plot of this 'story'.


	2. Chapter 2

The guild was in a state of shock to say the least. Natsu and Laxus slowly began to stand up as the effects of the curse began to wear off. A silence loomed throughout the guild hall after Angel's question was asked to the members and visitors. The silence, however, was broken by the most beautiful barmaid in the whole kingdom of Fiore. "This is the best day ever! Romance! Celebration time!" Mira then ran down to the cellar to break out the champagne while the rest of the guild stood dumbfounded.

"An..gel? Ugh" Natsu let out a groan as he stared at the white haired celestial mage.

"Really, of all people it had to be her?" Lucy voiced out, mostly to herself seeing as no one seemed to care what she had to say at the moment. Natsu just stood there staring at her while Laxus motioned for Merudy to come join his team, minus Freed, who was working on dispelling the curse. Sting was in a heated battle with Lyon over Juvia, Wendy was latched onto Gray while glaring at said water mage, Gajeel was trying to avoid ripping Midnight to shreds for staring at Mira when she walked toward the cellar, Cobra was still writhing in pain after Kagura slammed the hilt of her sword into his gut, and Rogue was still M.I.A.

Jellal, Levy, Freed, and Erza were currently sitting at a table trying to decipher a remedy for the curse. Clearly this was the best team to be working on such a case, as Levy and Freed were versed in script magic, Jellal's calm attitude and previous exposure to dark magic, and Erza is simply a fucking badass. However, even out of these four, no one in the kingdom of Fiore would guess that Jellal would be the first to snap. "AGGH! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!"

Time seemed to stop as everyone, even Kagura, who was still busy pummeling Cobra into the ground, stopped to stare at the blunette's outburst.

_Well, if you really want me to explain that much, I suppose I could do you a favor Jelly._

Jellal looked around for the source of the voice, somewhat scared because no one else seemed to hear it. He looked to Erza with his mouth hanging open and pointed to the sky. Erza looked puzzled and wondered what he was motioning to.

_Just so you know, I'm not up there, and yes, you are the only one who can hear me right now._

_"Wait, why can't anyone else hear you?" Jellal asked and the guild stared at him in shock._

_"Jellal, are you talking to yourself?" Gray asked with concern while trying to fight out of Wendy and Juvia's grips. _

_Hahahahaha, they think you're talking to yourself._

_"Shut the hell up!" Jellal yelled, giving an answer to everyone's question. _

_Freed furrowed his eyebrows. "I don't understand. Jellal isn't a dragon slayer so why is he losing his mind?"_

_Don't worry Jellal, you're not losing your mind. I'm communicating with you right now because you're probably the most sane person here. Minus Freed, Laxus, and Mira, but Freed's thoughts about Laxus kind of disturb me, Laxus is kind of preoccupied with your guildmate at the moment, and I really don't wanna be inside Mira's head while she's fangirling over all these new couples._

_Jellal nodded in agreement. _

_Well yeah. For example, I know that you really like when Erza dresses up as a lingerie dominatrix and whips-_

_Heh. Looks like something is happening. I'll be back in a little bit._

Jellal shook his head for the hundredth time that day. He turned his attention toward the rest of the guild as the annoying voice left Jellal's head. He heard whispers, followed by Gajeel and Midnight shouting "Mira!" The two instantly clashed to fight over who would save her, but before a fight could break out Mira came rushing up the stairs crying tears of joy. "This is the best day ever!"

"Rogue?" Sting shouted.

Before anyone else could ask what happened, the shadow dragon slayer and Fairy Tail's scantily clad resident alcoholic came stumbling up the stairs. Both of them carried two bottles of whiskey in their hands as they leaned on each other for support, the smell of the vile (delicious!) liquor pouring off of them. That's when the guild noticed that Rogue wasn't really wearing much clothing; only his boxers and the sword that he carries around. The two let out flustered, drunken giggles before Cana shouted "I got a new drinking buddy!" Rogue then proceeded to pull the drunken woman up onto a table with him and dance.

Cana was urging others to join her and her dragon on the table as Rogue continued to chug whiskey and twer- er, dance, in front of the whole guild. Pretty soon Cana got all of the Lamia Scale, Blue Pegasus, and some of the Mermaid Heel girls dancing, minus Chelia and Lyon, who were still in the middle of the Gray-centric love, uh, hexagon? Heptagon? I'm pretty sure everyone lost count at this point anyway so let's just go. Anyways, yes, even Jura and Ichiya were dancing. Jura actually had some pretty good dance moves to keep up with the younger mages, moving along with some of the Blue Pegasus and Mermaid Heel mages. Ichiya, not so much.

The short ugly man had slid his way over to where Erza and Jellal were standing, and proceeded to strike a 'cool' pose for the Titania. In an attempt to woo her, he began to sniff around her haor seductively, only to be knocked out the front door by Jellal and Kagura, an echo of the word men hanging in the air as he left.

Jellal and Kagura smirked at each other briefly before Kagura realized who she was looking at and quickly turned her head away. Jellal put his hand on her shoulder as he tried to comfort her. Big mistake. "I don't like to be touched" she said, her hands going to her sword, "especially by you."

"Kagura" Erza muttered, trying to think of a way to calm her down.

At the same time, the love hexagon members were all sitting at a table, watching the dance scene unfold in front of them. Gray sighed. Juvia and Wendy sighed. The remaining three sighed.

_Oh for fuck sake, will you all cheer up already?_

Silence. Then "Who the hell said that?" Gray asked.

"Gray, Juvia thinks you're turning into Jellal."

Gray shook his head as he shrugged off the voice in his head. "At least Rogue is enjoying himself with this curse thing" Chelia muttered to Lyon, who nodded in agreement. He turned to make a smart ass remark toward his brother turn ghostly white.

"What's your deal Gray?" Sting asked. Gray looked toward the usual antisocial dragon slayer who was currently very drunk and dancing on the table with Cana still, hands on her hips as he pulled her closer to him.

Gray's lip trembled in genuine fear as he spoke. "Let's just say that Rogue won't be enjoying himself for much longer." Gray's mini harem thing looked at him awaiting an explanation, but the guild began shaking before he could continue.

"PUT THAT FUCKING THING AWAY BABE" Cobra's shout echoed through the hall as Kagura swung her sword at Jellal.

"Quit calling me that" she growled as she attempted to decapitate her mate.

"Kagura, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"Shut up" she swung again at him.

_Hey Jellal, you probably shouldn't try reasoning with her. It's not very effective. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned after all._

'Will you quit distracting me? She's trying to kill me!'

_Just get out of there and go to the library. Have Erza fight ypur battles for you again because I have a mission for you._

'Why the lib- HEY! She doesn't need to fight anything for me. I've already put her through enough as it is.'

_Yeah yeah, blah blah blah. I can feel the angst leaking out of your thoughts. Repent for your sins and all that sappy shit. Geez you're a prude. You're lucky I even let you have her in this story._

'What do you mean by 'in this story'?'

_Just nevermind that part. Go to the library and find the damn book that I want you to get._

'What book?'

_You'll know what book it is when you see it. Now get out of here cause you're ruining my cheap entertainment. _

'I don't know who you are, but you're starting to piss me off.'

_I'm the one who controls everything that happens right now, and if you don't go to the damn library I'm gonna send Erza out to a romantic dinner with Lucy and have Kagura cut your head off. Think about it, get the book for me and Erza and you and her get married and have thirty little Jerza babies while ninety percent of the fandom squeals and I puke my guts out (I won't really puke but whatever), or you lose her to freakin LUCY of all people and Kagura chops your head off. Your choice._

Jellal didn't need to be told twice as he meteored off into the guild's back room, leaving Erza to deal with Kagura. After the most epic catfight in the history of Fairy Tail (or bunny fight, if you wanna imagine bunmy suit Erza vs. Kagura with her normal headgear; yay for fanservice) the madwoman finally sheathed her sword, but the shaking didn't stop. "Sting, you migjt wanna go get Rogue out of there as soon as you can, probably yesterday would be good" Gray said to the blond slayer.

"Bullshit. You just want me gone so you can stay here and have less competition for Juvia's heart!"

"Like hell that's true" Wendy shouted at him. The two slayers butted heads as the fight escalated. Rpgue was drunk and oblivious to everything around him until a large burst of crash magic shattered the table that he was standing on, now by himself. Gildarts grabbed the drunk man by his throat and pulled him close. "Listen up you little punk, if I ever see you making an obscene show like that with my daughter again, I will shatter you into a million pieces. Understand me?" The drunken slayer couldn't do anything but give him the shit eating grin that was permanently plastered on his face during his state of intoxication.

Probably the reason Gildarts threw him through the ceiling of the guild.

At 13:26 hours that day, the citizens of Magnolia were wondering why the hell Fairy Tail decided to ring the bell.

Nobody asked questions though. Nobody ever asks questions when it comes to Fairy Tail.

Natsu and Angel had been standing by the door quietly taking in the unfolding scene. Natsu finally broke the silence when Rogue went through the ceiling, followed by a pissed off and screaming Cana. "Do you have any idea what's going on right now?"

"Not a damn clue" Angel admitted.

Natsu hung his head. "So are we like, supposed to do something? Cause I don't really feel like getting involved in this right now."

Angel cocked an eyebrow at him. "Aren't you usually the one causing shit like this?"

Natsu sheepishly scratched the back of his head. "Yeah, well-"

The brief conversation was cut short by Jellal screaming as he meteored back into the room, crashed into a pillar, got up like nothing happened, and started shouting again. "I found it guys. I found the damn book! Ha!"

Everyone had their eyes trained on him as the guild once again fell silent. Seriously, that's like the fiftieth time this story. That's gotta be a new record for the guild. Finally, Cobra decided to speak up since he could hear the question in everyone's mind. "What kind of drugs are you on?"

...

**A / N : So I've actually had this done for a week and my computer decided it was gonna be a little bitch and not let me get on the Internet. So I typed out the whole document on my phone and now I'm posting it. Made a couple of changes in the process so it might be better (I hope)**

**Yes I committed the sin all writers must try to avoid by breaking the fourth wall XD sorry about that.**

**Anyway, I planned on doing this earlier as today was SUPPOSED to be my day off, yet I got drug on some road trip for about four hours. Was fun but I had plans to do a whole lot of nothing today since I worked a 14 hour shift yesterday. And I have to be at work in not even 8 hours tomorrow. Being a responsible adult fucking sucks.**

**Anyway, I'm rambling. Tell me what you think in a review, also f&f. But I'm going to bed. Goodnight and thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: alright, so last chapter I had a lot of trouble with italics, where whole passages got italicized and stuff got deleted, so from now on, if I talk, it's just plain text. Sorry if it's hard to understand. Anyway, hope you all enjoy this, please review! ;)**

**...**

Jellal waved the book around as he tried to explain what the voice had told him. "So yeah, this psycho voice told me to go grab this book."

I am not a psycho. And that is clearly the wrong book.

"What do you mean it's the wrong book?" Everybody started murmuring about how Jellal was crazier than the dragon slayers until Gray walked up to him, stripping his clothes off in the process, and placed both his hands on his shoulders. The ice user gave him a curt nod as they gazed deep into each others eyes, causing steam to burst out of a few of the girls' heads.

They're having a broment you sick fucks. Stop having dirty thoughts. Yeah Lockser, I'm talking to you.

Said water mage was currently passed out with a creepy grin on her face, eechi thoughts about Gray and Jellal, along with Lyon and Sting, filled her head. Gray cleared his throat very loudly to try and restore order to the guild hall. "Jellal, are you sure that's the right book?"

Jellal looked at the book in his hand. A very colorful picture of a screwed up looking duck floating in a pond on a sunny day with the title 'The Ugly Duckling' printed on the cover. "Damn" Jellal muttered as he zipped back to the library.

"This is bullshit" Natsu screamed out.

"What, having trouble trying to think, ash for brains?" Gajeel mocked him.

"What'd you say you walking junkyard?"

Cobra chimed in. "Gajeel has a point. I don't ever hear very many thoughts coming from your brain."

"You want some too Paint Thinner?" Before Natsu could go on another rampage and burn down the already trashed guild hall, Angel stomped on his foot and grabbed his ear.

"Alright Natsu, cut the crap. What's bullshit?" She released her hold on his ear and allowed him to explain.

Sighing as he rubbed his ear, Natsu spoke. "Well, I just can't help but feel like this whole situation is all Sting's fault."

"What?"

"I do have to say he does have a point."

"Rogue? I thought you were dead?"

"It's true though. Most bad things that happen in the guild hall revolve around Sting."

"Not you too Orga?"

"What about the time you brought those ferrets home and tried to start a farm with them?"

"Lacing Orga's cigar with cocaine is a memory I'd like to forget."

"And didn't Yukino get her nose broke because of your disco day idea?"

"In fact, all your special day ideas sucked. Toga Tuesday and Stripper Sunday were by far the worst. I've never seen Minerva in a more disturbing state."

"And who the hell would think that malt vinegar and crab alfredo ice cream would taste good? We all got food poisoning!"

"Or the week you went around dressed as Deadpool and scaring little children just cause you thought it would help you beat Rogue in a swordfight?"

"And the time you cut Jiemma's brake lines cause you thought it would help him make it to his conference faster and he ended up driving his car through the front of the guild hall?"

"My worst memory was when you switched the sugar with the salt. That was the most sickening coffee that has ever hit my taste buds."

Sting let out an exasperated sigh as he listened to his guildmates. "Are you guys done yet?" As if on cue, mostly because fanfiction is all about convenience, much like a 7/11, Jellal returned with a much thicker, ancient looking burgundy book. He set the book down in front of Levy, who opened it to the exact page that she needed to. Thanks 7/11.

"It says here that dragon slayers will have one mate that will usually be determined by age 30. Well, that's kind of late" Levy commented under her breath. "Let's see here, it says that since full maturity isn't usually reached in the human body until ages 24-26, a dragon slayer won't usually determine their mate until then. However, certain spells can be used to speed up the process."

"Well, we've seen that first-hand" Kagura spoke, attempting to keep a doting Cobra off of her. "What else does it say?"

Levy scrolled through her pages a bit more, turning to the next page. "When a dragon finds its mate, it seems that its most repressed personality traits become evident. It appears that the same holds true for slayers as well."

"Well that explains a lot" Lucy said, pointing to each of the slayers. "Wendy is kind and selfless, so it's only natural that her possesive side would kick in." Wendy gave a quick smile to Lucy before continuing to glare at Juvia.

Lucy continued "Rogue is very quiet and keeps to himself, so it's only natural that he'd be loud, obnoxious, and very touchy feely."

"He gets anymore touchy feely and I'll break his neck" Gildarts 'muttered'.

Everyone shivered in fear before Lucy continued her personality assessment. "Laxus is clearly going to be kind to Merudy and treat her like a queen, seeing as how most of the time he's an arrogant asshole."

"Hey" Laxus and the members of the Raijinshuu yelled. Lucy snapped her whip.

"I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, your motto was, and I quote, 'fuck all the bitches and get all the money'. Not to mention how you said your purpose in life was to succeed your grandfather by, and I quote again, 'taking over as master and breaking more shit than he did'. So can it Pikachu!"

Lucy was about to continue when Freed spoke up. "I wouldn't mind being a bitch." Lucy continued to say it was about the same situation for Cobra and Gajeel while everyone backed away from Freed very, very slowly. Juvia, who had just woken up, passed out again with her overactive erotic imagination going into overdrive, landing perfectly in Sting's arms.

"Sting likes to play coy with women, so it's only natural that he would fawn over Juvia like this. And Natsu" she trailed off.

"Will get smarter, hopefully" Gray smirked at him.

"At least I'm not stuck playing babysitter like you" the pinkette shot back while sticking out his tongue.

"Age is just a number, Natsu" Wendy piped up.

"And jail is just a room. The magic council has strict laws against sick acts like that" Doranbolt explained to her.

"When did you get here?" Erza questioned.

"And who are you to be giving lectures about pedophilia?" Jellal asked.

"Hey Fernandes, you and your guild are still wanted criminals. I could arrest you right now if I wanted. So shut it" he said.

"You couldn't catch me anyway" Jellal taunted as he meteored out the door.

Doranbolt shook his head. "I use teleporting magic. I could appear in front of you at any second" and he vanished.

"Well, if this is a race" and Sawyer was out the door.

Cobra was laughing like a maniac while he listened in on everyone's thoughts, Midnight was trying to trap Gajeel in a horrifying illusion so he could have Mira to himself, and Hoteye was dancing on the stage to a smooth jazz tune that was playing in his head.

Merudy sighed to herself as she stared out the door. "Am I the only sane person in my gu-LOOK A FISH!"

"FISH!" Happy cried as he and Merudy raced after the seafood.

Alright, I officially give up for now. You should probably let Levy finish reading the passage from the book. After that, I don't care. The rules are in place, once she's done, do whatever the fuck you want.

"Wait, so, we're free?" Natsu asked.

"But weren't we always free?" Sting joined in.

As the voice faded out, all the wizards in the hall were left questioning the meaning of their existence.


End file.
